I would like to point out that the title describes my current state of mind…perfectly. I would also like to point out that I am under the influence of several different medications…so, this might not make any sense; I will try to keep it short and sweet.

Yesterday afternoon, I went into the Lakeside Hospital Procedure center to undergo an upper endoscopy, dilation and biopsy. I was promised that this would be an in and out right back on your feet sort of procedure…unfortunately, in the case of most promises made…it was broken. I woke up from the anesthesia confused and in pain….more pain, in fact, than I had yet experienced in my 25 years of life. Andrew was left with a still slightly sleeping and drugged fiance to take home. After the sedative had completely worn off the pain and discomfort and all around ill-feeling only increased with every minute that passed. I was scared, he was scared and a call to the doctor proved to be even scarier as he proclaimed that none of this is typical and to seek medical attention asap.

And so, in the rain and wind we loaded back into the car again en route to Lakeside ER. Once there, I received my second IV of the day and underwent a multitude of tests that assured us all that I was in no immediate medical danger. Unfortunately, the pain raged on. And so, they gave me a cocktail of medications that left me numb, buzzing and in significantly less pain…success! My body was humming peacefully with morphine trickling throughout my blood stream and I was ready for bed. I crawled out of the hospital bed (not as comfortable as the first) and clumsily navigated my way out of the hospital gown (much better than the first) and while I was pulling my sweatshirt on I caught Andrew’s eye as he sat patiently in the corner holding my things. And I had no choice but to pause, he was looking at me with so much…. love and adoration that the sheer force of it (not to mention my already unsteady disposition) made me sit/fall back onto the bed. I was makeupless, pale, tear stained and marked up. My eyes were red rimmed, my lips were chapped and my overall outlook on life was not a positive one. He was there…in the same hospital….for the second time that day, watching the Kardashians on the TV….for the second time that day, waiting so he could gather me up and take me home. And there was not an ounce of impatience in those brown eyes, not even a smidge of irritability or distaste at my obviously rough appearance. The way he looked at me made me so much warmer and so much calmer than any sort of drug they could have shoved in my IV. As I recovered from my emotional moment and finished putting on sweats I couldn’t help but consider the  large number of things I could survive with him by my side.

I wish I could say…and then I went to bed and I woke up this morning feeling brand new! But I can’t, the cocktail of medications in combination with an empty stomach sent me to the ground in Walgreens shortly after we left the ER, I spent the remainder of the night trying not to swallow or really move for that matter in an attempt to get some rest and I spent the majority of this day hugging the toilet and praying for relief. But, through it all, I had Andrew’s cool hands on my shoulders, quick kisses on the forehead, quick errands to gather my prescriptions and reassuring hugs despite my complete lack for personal hygiene.

And now, as I finally turn a corner and have faith that I will in fact survive this…. I find myself with a couple of repetitive thoughts….I can only hope that he has found that type of solace and comfort behind my eyes when he needed it. And also, get ready for the immense amount of corny….but I couldn’t help consider the people in my life-friends, family, etc.-I pray that they have been or one day will be looked at that same way.

Goodnight <3